70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
