from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize