Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you win again, gameday.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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