woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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