I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
