wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
