So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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