So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
