I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
