onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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