When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
