you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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