it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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