I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
