Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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