That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
