i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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