Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
