that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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