It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize