I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize