If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize