and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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