I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize