Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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