wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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