Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize