Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
