I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
