I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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