i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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