rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
