my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
