Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just had sex on a roof
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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