my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
