i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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