mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
