I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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