I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize