im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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