My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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