Heybabeimwearingurpanties
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
