i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
