i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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