I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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