wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
