You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
