You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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