Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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