The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
