does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
