I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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