Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
