I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
