I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
