The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
