I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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