So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
