I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
