They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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