I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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